The Grade 2 Questionnaire

Okay, so when I fill out this Questionnaire sent home by the second grade teacher I'm sure I'm supposed to say things like, "my kid likes crafts and math". Yeah, yeah he likes gluing bits of felt together well enough, but left to his own devices he'd way rather be hurling beer bottles at passing cyclists. So here are my answers to the questionnaire.

Questionnaire for Mme

The purpose of this questionnaire is to provide some background about your child to provide a smooth transition to Grade Two.

1.Does your child have any allergies or areas of concern that I should know?

Peanut or tree nut or whatever that allergy is called, is just another term for you fucked my school lunch planning for another week. *(This is actually Rob's response since my big claim to fame around the house is that I've never made a lunch, even when Rob's been away. Can't you rustle something up for him to eat from the staff fridge?)

2.List your child's favourite activities.

  • Setting things on fire (in retrospect letting him light the camp fires this summer may have been a bad idea as he's developed a serious obsession with matches, lighters and all things flammable to the point that we've upped our insurance. We recommend the school do the same).

  • Also, ideally, there will be lots of expensive electronics around the classroom that can be taken apart and the little pieces stuffed into electrical sockets.

  • He generally just likes to f@#k shit up. Is that one of the second grade outcomes?

3.List any situations that you feel might frustrate your child?

  • Not having access to matches and sharp objects.

4.What adjectives would you use to describe your child?

  • Soul destroying, unbalanced, medicated (oh, actually, that one's me.)

5. Any other comments?

  • If there are any problems, don't bother phoning because I generally don't answer when I see it's the school on the call display (if I even gave you a working number in the first place).

  • It's your shit show now. Good Luck.

Parent: Daria Salamon

Child: Oskar

Questionnaire Footnotes:

* I don't mean to offend anyone with allergies. Rob knows how frustrating people's lack of understanding of allergies can be as he has a garlic allergy and my Ukrainian family regularly tries to poison him.

Daria SalamonComment