The Bad Sex Edition
I assigned my Red River College Creative Writing students to write the most AWKWARD sex scene they possibly could...I decided to take a stab at this myself.
The Pocket Jaw Comes
The date hadn’t gone well, but she opted to invite him in anyway because, well, a fuck was a fuck, right?
As she kissed him, her tongue met a hunk of hard plastic. Was he wearing a retainer? Why the hell hadn’t he taken it out? It would certainly explain that nagging lisp he’d had all night.
He’d popped his mouth guard in when the lights went down in the theater; his dentist insisted he wear it at night, but also during the day when he would encounter stressful situations because that’s when he was most prone to teeth-grinding. The horror movie, the date, the prospect of sex— it was a trifecta of stressful situations. He feared that he’d grind his molars down to nubs.
But he forgot to take it out when the lights were still dimmed. There wasn’t another opportunity to pull it out. And the next thing he knew she was face-attacking him with her mouth. He could feel her tongue pushing up against the hard plastic.
And then there was the unusual “pocket” at the back of his jaw, as his orthodontist called it. Food would accumulate and get lodged in there, but he had a special tool to extract the food. He just hadn’t used it in a while because eventually a week’s worth of garlic bread, meatloaf and lemon meringue pie would loosen and make its way out. He deeply regretted not emptying the cavity prior to the date.
What the fuck just slid into my mouth? She went to kiss his ear so she could flick off whatever was on her tongue, but it seemed to disintegrate in her mouth. Trying not to gag, she dragged her tongue along his neck to get the rank bits out of her mouth.
He thought to distract her by kissing her back.
Now, what’s he doing? Does he know that’s a raised mole? He thinks it’s a nipple!
All nerves, he worked the mole with his tongue. She squirmed and he took this to be a signal of pleasure. So he proceeded with vigour.
She flipped over. If he tried this on her actual nipples, it might feel good.
Nope. She knew she was being desperately optimistic.
He kept kind of nipping at them with the plastic in his mouth, while his hands roamed hopelessly around the least erotic parts of her body - like her elbows and armpits.
Despite everything, she could have willed herself wet if he had even the remotest clue what to do. She finally grabbed his chest with one hand, his hip with the other.
“For the love of Pete, it’s not that complicated, would you just fuck me already?”
He struggled, trying to find the words to tell her – he’d just come.
Some Further Reading... Awkward Sex Scenes written by my Creative Writing students at Red River College.
Awkward Sex Scene #1 By Sydney
“Oh Karen,” he moaned.
“My name’s not Karen. It’s Stacey.”
Sigh. I can’t believe I let my sister talk me into going on this blind date. I can’t believe I convinced myself to sleep with the guy after I almost fell asleep at dinner from his lack of personality. Not to mention the dryer I'm sitting on is giving me more pleasure than he is. Note to self: do a load of laundry when I get home.
“Ow! What was that?” I shrieked
“A love bite.” He replied.
“On my armpit?!”
“Yes. It’s sexy.”
“Uh….” Not really, I say in my head.
An awkward silence ensues but it seems he doesn’t notice, he just keeps doing what he was doing, imagining that he’s such an amazing lover all the while making that hideous face.
You know that face, the one with the scrunched up nose from trying so hard, sweat running in rivers down his forehead, teeth grinding and drool coming out of the side of his mouth like he’s some sort of Saint-Bernard? I can’t help but see he has something stuck in his teeth and I’m trying to figure out what the hell it is. Is it some sort of food? I’m really regretting this. Why didn’t I say yes to doing it doggie-style? It’s hard to look him in the face and concentrate on what he’s doing, or more like trying to do.
This is worse than my first time in bed with a guy where mine and Bobby Jackson’s braces got stuck together. Man that was a pain in the ass trying to figure out how to get our clothes on without someone getting hurt. What’s worse is that my sister is the one who hooked us up. Just like this guy.
I’m so going to kill my sister.
Awkward Sex Scene #2 by SJB
He threw her on the bed as if he was competing in the Olympic shot put competition. She felt wanted. He wanted her. He went to the bathroom to “freshen up.” She tried to distract herself while he “freshened up”, but she couldn’t. He was all man, her man, and she loved him for it. Once “freshened up”, he exited the bathroom and jumped on the edge of the bed. It was queen size. He crawled towards her, inch by hungry inch. He reached her feet, and reacted like one of those pigs they use to sniff out truffles. He worked his way up her body, inch by hungry inch. They were both hungry; he paused at her midsection. She reached for the phoneand dialed 222-2222. She ordered a pizza. They devoured it, piece by ooey gooey piece. He resumed his ascent of her body, some of the gooeyiness still dripping from his mouth. Finally, at last, he reached her mouth. She looked deep into his eyes and asked, “was the journey worth it.” He looked deep into her eyes and said, “yes.”
Awkward Sex Scene #3 "Bump and Grind" by Christine
Ow. Ow. Ow. I think to myself as Randy nails me on the beach. Whoever said sex on the beach was hot has never hand sand up their putch-ka. It feels like someone is exfoliating my cervix. And why does he keep pinching my nipples like that? Most men like nipples…Nipples are your friend…So please stop trying to twist them off my body. Ooooh good. He’s going to kiss me again. Or shall I say try to eat my face. I have kissed many-a-men in my life and none of them have tried so vigorously to bite off my tongue. I hand to stop him from going down on me cause I was afraid he’d bite off my clit and chew it like a piece of bubblegum.