I’m Breaking Up With You, IKEA.


We’ve been dating since you moved here a little over a year ago.

We’d being carrying on a long distance relationship for years when you lived in Minneapolis. Once or twice a year I’d come down to visit. We’d spend a marathon 5 hours together. It was always wild and fun. I’d go home feeling exhausted, but so satisfied and plan my next visit.

But then you moved here so that we could spend more time together. And at first, it was good. So, so, good.

It's impossible for me to see you without hauling back on your balls. (Yes, I’ve heard the horse rumours). And your sauce! Who has sauce that tastes like lingonberry?  Seriously.

Holy Crap, the things you can do with a bed are imaginative.  I also like it when we fool around in the kitchen and bathroom too. (Although, I really wasn’t that impressed with your toilet scrubber. Even though it looked fancy, it didn’t live up to its name.)  But you made up for it in the laundry room…

But here’s the thing. I’ve been thinking a lot about this. And I honestly feel we need to take a break.

You’re expensive and addictive. Like crack. I can’t get enough of you. One day or night is never enough. I feel like I’m becoming one of those needy, dependant girlfriends .  I’m always just showing up or popping buy. Sure, it’s under the pretence of picking up some candles or a picture frame at your place, but then I end up staying and getting sauced seduced by you.

I don’t want to be that girl. I am better than that.

And sometimes it feels like you are constantly reminding me of all of my inadequacies and insecurities. You say you’re just helping me be a better person. It’s probably true.  But when I’m with you, I feel like I will never be good enough. There will always be something to fix or change. I want to be loved for who I am, regardless of what lurks in my closet.

And if we’re being totally honest here, you’re kind of a whore. I know that you gave the same “window treatment”  to my friend, Ashley.  I thought that was supposed to be our special thing?

I know, we did agree it would be okay to see other people, but I didn’t think that meant you’d be running a whorehouse. You have more traffic at your place than the Red Light District. God, you even had the City of Winnipeg build roads and re-route traffic so more people could have quick, easy access to you and your rear delivery. Who does that?

It seems like you are in everyone's drawers these days and you’re just not that special anymore.

I know that it’s tacky to break up with you on my blog…but I just don’t know how else to do it.


Already missing your Swedish Balls,


Daria Salamon1 Comment