Usually when people write these holiday newsletters, they are full of all sorts of cheery updates and accomplishments— mainly designed to show off and make the reader feel bad about their own year. Who wants to read that?

I think it would be far more useful to write about the year’s fuck ups and failures. The first Annual Krause- Salamon newsletter, by design, will make you feel better about your own life.

Well, it was a year of milestones.

I turned 40 this spring and Rob is convinced that I’m having, and continue to have a midlife-crisis-nervous-breakdown.

Why would you think that?

Because you hired 21 year olds to serve cocktails at your birthday party and proceeded to do Jello shots with them all night.

 I like Jello.

The piercings, the pending squirrel tattoo, joining Crossfit aren’t helping your cause. You can’t even say the word forty.

Matt (and I wish I could remember the other guy's name) party hosts!

 And in other milestones…

Oskar started second grade and learned to read which should be a great achievement – except his chosen reading material turned out to be my Blog. I had to beg and finally bribe him not to do his reading report on the post “I Can Smell My Vagina Right Now.”

That post was, of course, based on our 6 week long East Coast Summer Vacation. It was a great trip – but quite frankly, if you had to sleep in a hot tent for 6 weeks your vag would be stinking up the car too.

On our trip we learned little Isla Blue is quite the “jumper” and we spent the better part of the year just trying to keep her from leaping off roofs and cliffs into snow banks and oceans. The fact that she’s only four years old is entirely beside the point.

And while Isla Blue is quite articulate and can pin down any stranger in a lengthy conversation about her favourite topic- vaginas (hmmm...wonder where she gets that from?), she continues to throw tantrums that cause the rest of us permanent hearing damage.

I traveled to Tanzania this year to see the water project I’d started; I got to see The Big Five on Safari! Meanwhile the wildlife back home were up to their usual antics— Isla shit on the deck and Oskar discovered how fun it is to throw beer bottles at passing cyclists.

Rob continues to go to his office downstairs and “work”, although no one quite knows what he does for a living.

What does Rob do?


But what, exactly?

I did walk in the office to get some stamps one time and he was watching the Michael Bolton Lonely Island video on YouTube.

I finished my second novel that is seemingly so brilliant and funny that, so far, no publisher understands it, nor wants to publish it. I started teaching Creative Writing at Red River College this year, further proving that “those who can’t… teach.” The Prairie Bridesmaid movie is still “in development”…5 years later. All of this, of course, means that I continue to drink heavily, further proving another stereotype— "those who can't... drink."

The holidays came in like a wrecking ball this year, our Christmas tree first fell off the car, then it fell over twice after we’d set it up. Those ornaments my baba gave me from the old country were pretty ugly anyway. Our Christmas lights were stolen right off of our house one night. But alas, we were together and the kids got their Barbie Resort House and Lego Republic Gunship, which is essentially all they care about anyway. (And, at least, I didn’t go through the car wash with the tree tied on to top of the car, as did one woman I know personally.)

We are looking forward to ringing in 2014 with two words: Austerity Measures.

What’s osdirty measures? Isla asked.

 Santa’s probably taking next year off. He has a drug problem. And I’m going to start cutting your hair.

What’s up with the austerity? We plan on travelling in 2015, so this year will be all about finding creative ways to save cash (unless Rob really is cooking meth downstairs and making us rich). Expect a blog post in the near future on homemade wine and shoes.

We wish you all a Happy New Year.

May you embrace and celebrate all of your failures in 2014.

Daria SalamonComment