If My Ass Could Talk: An Open Thank You Letter to Undefeated Crossfit
Aww, it's our anniversary, Undefeated. I'm like a shit husband - I hardly noticed a year had passed and I didn't get you a present. But I do love you. Crossfit makes my Top 10 List of things I've done in the past decade...and I think I've done some pretty cool shit!
Here's my version of a thankyou love letter:
Whoa, time flies when you’re having so much fun that you don’t even notice that the living shit is getting kicked out of your ass. And you wake up one morning and you realize that those things below your ribcage that used to be souvenirs from late night runs to the Burger King drive thru might actually be…abs. So, um, thank you, Undefeated, for abs, and an ass – aka 3,127 squats over the past year. But really, those are just pretty bi-products – what I’ve truly gained is strength, power and an awe-inspiring attitude toward fitness.
I used to think sweat was a sign of pushing yourself. Ha. Bruised legs, blisters, ass scabs (which is different from ass scabies) are the new wickedly cool benchmarks of work ethic and improvement.
I’m not an athlete in the traditional sense, I never have been – but I always feel like one and I’m always treated like one when I step into Undefeated. I’ve never had such determined work ethic or been encouraged to try so hard. (The warm up alone at Undefeated was pretty much overextending myself at every other McSnap I’d ever been to.) And I feel like I haven’t yet unleashed what I’m really capable of.
You’ve taught me a WHOLE new vocabulary.
· Toes to bar does not mean lining up to get my next shooter.
· Turkish Gettup is no longer only my Halloween costume from 2007. It’s also a super goofy CrossFit move.
· Annie is a fucked up character from my novel and a fucked up CrossFit workout.
· Kettle Bell doesn’t daintily ring to tell you your tea is ready. It destroys your arms.
· Box Jump, to me, will always be a quickie before heading into work. I don’t care what CrossFit wants it to mean.
It took months and a lot of practice, but I can do handstands and pull ups! (Remember that article last year that said women can't do pull ups? Wtf? This pull up's for you, New York Times.)
These are more than just CrossFit moves; they’re metaphors for life. When you do a handstand you see the world from a different perspective. When you do a pull up you’re literally lifting yourself up off the ground. These are skills that extend well beyond the box and into life. If things aren't going my way, I can physically pull myself up and somehow mentally and emotionally, life is better.
Handstanding on Cape Breton Island this summer.
I also want to say that in a success-mad world, Undefeated is a safe place to sometimes fail. Only through failure and uncertainty can you command success. (This from the gal who still launches the occasional barbell right into her face or snaps rubber pull up bands into her vag - I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm starting to enjoy the vag bands.)
After my first ever conditioning session I distinctly remember thinking, As soon as I can feel my arms again I’m going to gouge your eyes out, you sick fucks! And here we are, a year later, and I feel compelled to thank you, Coach Matt, for inspiring me, for teaching me that strength and kicking serious ass are what matter in life. I define myself by what I can lift, not what I weigh. (Work outs are still tough, but I only fantasize about eye gouging once a week.)
On this one year anniversary – I'm going to smoke a pack of cigarettes, maybe a little crack, drink a couple of bottles of wine and then come in for a WOD.
Warmest CrossFit Regards,
I posted this letter on my blog in case there's one person out there who feels like redefining how they see fitness and themselves... and are up for a good boot in the ass!
Check out Undefeated CrossFit (or any Crossfit club) for yourself.
Here's an interview that I did for their website when I first started; below are some pretty bad pictures!
I'm so going to kill someone if I survive this workout.
You look like a complete idiot if you start pulling this shit in front of the London Guard. Did you notice the matching outfits though?