Holy Shit...I Got Caught Up in Viking Hell.
I was in line at the breakfast buffet at the Radisson Hotel in Minnesota when suddenly the whole place turned into a Tsunami of Crazy Purple People. Horns. Jerseys. Inflatable helmets.
I didn't have a camera or phone on me to take pictures of the hotel crazies. But I found this picture online which is more or less how they looked. (source)
As I was trying to decide what was least toxic - Fruit Loops,Corn Pops or the Minnesota Egg Bake, a fur-clad woman who was slathering her one year old in Viking face paint, tapped my shoulder.
Purple-Fur Woman: Excuse me, where did you get your sweater? I love it.
Me: Free People, I think.
Purple-Fur Woman: Oh, you speak English?
Me: Yes, I do.
Purple-Fur Woman: I thought you were from Europe.
Me: Oh, no, just Canada.
Purple-fur Woman: Well, I knew you had some kind of foreign flair.
Yes...because people with "foreign flair" for sure hang out at the Radisson Hotel breakfast buffet in Bloomington Minnesota. Apparently, if you're not decked out in inflatable horns on Viking game day then you are considered super exotic and from a different continent.
The Viking moms at the hotel were equally feverish about their Viking getup.(Source )
Later that day…
On the road trip home, we took a driving break and stopped at Schells.
Majorly Hot Parenting Tip: Schells has a small Ferris wheel inside and escalators which is pretty much an amusement park in my mind. They also proudly serve Starbucks coffee. So it makes a decent rest stop... until you all get kicked out.
While the kids were riding the escalators, the nearby sports section caught my attention. I decided to try on some Viking paraphernalia to see if I could get behind this whole NFL Vikings thing. Rah, Rah.
I really think I need face paint, fur and bigger boobs to properly rock this look.
I was wearing the horns and the jersey when some face paint caught my eye. Just as I’d picked it up, the Scheels sales lady came up to me.
Saleslady: "Excuse me? Are those your children?
(Whenever people ask me this question it is my immediate instinct to deny ever having given birth to them.)
Me: Well, um, that depends…
Saleslady: That boy is licking the handrails. And the little girl should be supervised while on the escalator.
Me: Oh, she goes on way crazier rides than that by herself. What do you think of these horns? Should I get them?
The Saleslady shakes her head and walks away.
Wtf? I thought when you were sporting the Viking getup you were allowed to behave like a Scandanavian pirate. A true Viking would have let their kids loot the toy department. We were totally holding back.
Okay, fine. I sigh, put back the face paint, take off the horns, pull off the jersey and go off to collect my children.
I’m not from Europe.
I’m not a Viking.
I'm just a Canuck trying to survive yet another road trip.