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Daria Salamon
Thursday
May092013

KILLING TIME

So, you work on a book for over 3 years. Boom. You finally finish. Your agent sends it off to publishers. And then…. you wait. You wait.

(Very Questionable) Things to Occupy Your Time While Waiting to Hear Back from Publishers About Your New Novel:

 

1. Drink.

2. Watch all those great cult TV shows that everyone else was watching while you were trying to write your damn book, but now they’re totally outdated – like The Wire. In about 7 years you’ll watch Game of Thrones.

3. Yell at your kids.

 

4. Get a new piercing. Yeowwwww.

 

5. Drink more.

6. Work out obscenely – get an ab to poke through all the fat.

7. Sort through all the old prescription drugs in the medicine cabinet. Start taking the ones that are less than 3 years expired.

8. Try and write a short story using only text from wine labels.

9. Bum a cigarette while in line at the bar, for the first time in a decade, from a 20 year old, and then proceed to light the filter in front of her.

10. Bite your nails. Chew your cuticles. No, literally chew off the tip of your pinky.

11. Ooooh. Ooohh…here’s a good one. Create a website and blog! Hope people read it and post all sorts of warm and fuzzy messages!

 

I still have another week to kill so I am very open to new ideas at this point!

Tuesday
May072013

WINTER VAGINA

ME: How was the sleepover?

DAD: Good. Isla climbed into bed with me this morning and told me I have hairy boobs.

ME:  That’s pretty funny. She thinks you have boobs. Time to shed a few pounds, huh?

DAD: Then she told me that my boobs aren’t as hairy as her mummy’s vagina.

I’m kicking Isla out of the shower from now on. She’s vagina-obsessed.  At Superstore when I asked the clerk which aisle we could find the shampoo, Isla piped up for your vagina?

This is the part where I’m supposed to defend myself, say I’m between waxings, or the lady who does my Brazilians is napping.  But really, whom are we kidding? I live in Winnipeg. It’s spring. It still snows every second day. My razor is so rusty I’d need a tetanus shot if I tried using it.

Time to call MJ, my Polish lady with the pot of wax and prepare for some pain. And tell my daughter to stop talking about my Winter Vagina.

Thursday
May022013

FML The Blog

Hi. I'm Daria.

This is my blog.

Heart. Humour.

The most important things in life.

My goal is simple. Find the funny in life. Suck it. Slurp it. Regurgitate it here for you on this blog.

See you soon.

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